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15 Worst Kickstarter Inventions Ever

• From projects where you can pay money
to get rocks delivered to your house, to crowdfunding so we can build a cottage on the moon, we
count 15 worthless kickstarter campaigns asking you to donate your hard earned cash for seemingly
no reason 15 – Civilians Board Game,
• Essentially a tiled, oddly-familiar board game featuring geo-political pieces and democratic
subtext – yes, someone has invented a more boring version of Chess
• And likewise more complicated – like in real life, certain pieces such as the President
can jump over lesser pieces to get where they need to go, whereas the Judge can send the
enemy piece to jail for 2 moves • Now, this wouldn’t be so bad if the asking
price wasn’t a ludicrously high $650,000 dollars to be sponsored within one month – and they
even have the balls to say they need people to give them millions of dollars in order
to fulfil their pledge promises • So far they’ve made $15 – so they almost
made it •
14 – Fish On Wheels, • There are those in the world that believe
fish should be given the same mobility freedom shared between you and I -but here’s a kickstarter
campaign that took it one step further • For little over $55,000 you could invest
in this motion sensor-equipped contraption that turns its own wheels based on the direction
the fish is swimming • A majority of people turned around to
say, “well, not a HUGE fan of letting my goldfish wheel through the house, answering knocks
at the door and running over the cat” • This explains why they only managed to
raise about $7,000 of their goal – because we all know fish should only be used in fighting
games for the amusement of the internet and nothing else
• 13 – Unicorn Hat,
• An author called Ann Aguirre who decided to throw up a kickstarter campaign for 90
bucks in order to get her a unicorn hat – just for her, mind you, with the quote “it’ll make
me 100% more awesome” • He planned to take it to book signings
and conferences so, in vague way, her pledgers would be rewarded by being able to look at
her, turn to the guy next to them and say, “I own 5% of that hat”
• Ann did indeed make her $90 goal, and in fact the project actually raised a grand
total of $521 for absolutely no reason •
12 – Jellyfish Tank, • The idea is simple: a fish tank made sexy
and built to showcase jellyfish – the designer of the tank has a degree in biology and environmental
science, with the tank winning Best New Aquarium Project at the Global Pet Expo
• There’s just one problem: the tank is a horrifying death trap – the jellyfish would
get stuck in the rocks at the bottom of the tank and tear themselves apart with one backer
claiming the tank to be incapable of supporting life for more than 72 hours
• The kickstarter, which asked for 3,000 dollars, received a 162,000 dollar budget,
most of which went towards the continued genocide of an entire species of lovable squishy marine
animal •
11 – Flying Bicycle, • Have you ever looked at a pigeon and thought,
goddamn, he has the right idea – why can’t I do that? The flying bicycle is the cheap
alternative to plane tickets, to hop on your bike and go flying 4,000 feet in the air,
25 miles per hour all the while perfectly aware that the slightest tilt off the extremely
narrow seat will send you hurtling towards your death
• They asked for 50,000 dollars to get these things into production but sadly they fell
short at just under $10,000 • This is likely because people feel more
comfortable riding along a perfectly flat surface, not utterly reliant on experimental
technology because they’d rather ride over a building instead of spending 2 extra seconds
to ride around it •
10 – Buy a Kid Some Video Games, • You’ve got to admit though, the internet
has given kids of this generation all kinds of power – including the ability to ask strangers
for money so they can play games online • In this Indiegogo fundraising campaign,
a goal of $500, this kid will stream certain games on the service live on the
internet, while smaller pledgers will get a shoutout on stream and a Twitter follow
• $0 has been raised thus far with the campaign continuing until the 16th of November – I
don’t know who this kid is, I don’t know what his story is and I found this link via the
Shitty Kickstarters subreddit – but I can tell you one thing, if I come back to check
this campaign in a couple of months only to find I have inadvertently sent dozens of you
people to fund this kid’s video games, I am going to fucking laugh
• 9 – PAUL – Sexiest Smartphone Charger on the
Planet, • This is exactly what it looks like, a
naked man’s body that you can use to charge up your mobile phone, with the dock located
near the cock and the charging cable coming out the rectum
• For $ 8,000 they promised to bring PAUL to a few backers, but since production took
so long and the team was so small, numbers were limited
• In the end the project only made a quarter of what was needed, so people will somehow
have to make it through the day charging their phone in a regular cable – but what kind of
life is that? •
8 – Rock Stacking Game, • It’s called RoXzai, a bunch of rocks in
a burlap sack designed to be stacked on top of each other – a game of strategy, balance,
art & physics • In reality, this guy has just found a
bunch of rocks on the ground, put them in a sack and is now asking for $2,400 so he
can send you it • The rocks aren’t even carved down to be
stackable – he isn’t afraid to tell you that he literally bent down to pick up random rocks
that look vaguely stackable or as the kickstarter page claims “uniquely shaped and perfected
by nature for stacking” • Somehow, this spin doctor managed to rack
up over double the funds he asked for and now idiots across the globe get to play with
their bag of rocks •
7 – Grilled Cheesus, • A 25,000 dollar project to imprint our
lord and saviour’s face on a piece of goddamn bread – perfect for church barbeques or viral
photos for the internet • If you pledge enough, you get your own
model of the Grilled Cheesus with tote bag included, and maximum pledgers get to design
their own sandwich press image – which should honestly be a kickstarter all on its own – I’d
totally buy one if I could design my own images • These guys only just barely made it past
the crowdfunding goal, so all those that pledged will indeed get their own jesus griller – for
what reasons I’d rather not speculate •
6 – Demand for Peace, • Three guys from three different nationalities
want to stop all the fighting in the world, to bring peace and co-operation from all countries
of the world – and their plan to do this is to build an iphone app
• For 30,000 dollars they will make the app play a song called “we demand peace in
the world now” and a video training you how to perform a peace dance to be used in public
• This in turn will tell politicians to stop fighting wars and instead hold hands,
and if you pledge money you will get a bumper sticker, a mouse pad, a shirt, a flash drive
with a single song on it, a wristband, and the knowledge you are saving the world by
dancing next to your iphone in the city streets •
5 – TAHKA, • There comes a time when the weather gets
too cold, when gloves simply won’t do and you’re also in the mood to carry around hand
window near your crotch so you can use your smartphone in the 2 minutes you’re waiting
for a bus • They come in red, leather black for that
extra level of creepy, brown and beige – it even comes with a talisman you can use to
wipe the window, assuming you’re not wearing a coat you can wipe it – but the idea of you
wearing many layers of cloth during winter is just silly
• They asked for 20,000 dollars, but only got 1,500 – so I guess we’ll just have to
keep our hands in our coat like invalids •
4 – Build a House on the Moon, • An art project to build and fly a little
red cottage all the way to the moon’s surface, purely through crowdfunding
• For 250,000 dollars of your money, they can design a prototype house that could land
on the moon – COULD, it won’t actually leave Earth, they’re basically asking for 250,000
dollars for a fancy blueprint • For a million dollars, they’ll test the
house on a fake moon landscape – for 5 million, more tests and they’ll strap it to the rocket
– 15 million, they’ll actually take off • Or you could, y’know, NOT give these guys
your money and instead buy some italian food for dinner – at least that way your money
is getting spent for at least a single reason •
3 – World’s Largest Jockstrap, • Mind you, this wasn’t a Kickstarter to
create the world’s largest jockstrap, no – this guy needs $850 just to get it verified for
Guinness World Records • In fact, the man responsible even got
in contact with Guinness to CREATE the world’s largest jockstrap world record and due to
Kickstarter funding will be the new record holder
• He managed to raise all $850 plus an extra $4 with the highest pledge tier offering a
limited edition miniature jockstrap hand sewn by the artist which, evidently, nobody was
on board with •
2 – Time Till Money, • A phone app that is a clock counting down
to when you get paid next – and the guy is asking for $6,000 to create it
• Designed to act as a visual spreadsheet, it’ll allow young people and inexperienced
budgeters to create a budget, by staring at dollar signs on a virtual clock
• People who pledge money get actual undying gratitude, as well as a thank you email – with
higher tiers offering additional “generosity feeling” as if it were a tangible thing and
not just a feeling of regret because you just gave money to something pointless
• 1 – NoPhone
• This is like a regular smartphone, except for some key differences – it has no face
buttons, no wifi signal, no touchscreen, in fact, no screen at all – it is, in fact, a
piece of plastic in the shape of a phone, and they want $30,000 to produce them
• And the craziest part? People have already donated $7,000 – as if this were a real product,
a legitimate invention, with supply and demand, because apparently people can’t live without
a square piece of plastic in their hand anymore • And my favourite part, somehow, THIS is
the STAFF PICK for Kickstarter • Because I guess if you’re going to accidentally
drop SOMETHING in the toilet, it might aswell be this

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