(Bubbly Intro) (Gentle music) Classy: Febuary… (…) The Month of Love… (…) Ah… Is it not the most magical time of the year?.. No. No it’s not. Love is stupid. (Music) Instead, I think I’m gonna treat myself to a little bit of DOOM! Nothing beats love like slaughtering countless demons from he- (Earth Rumble) What the Fu- (Eerie Music) (Flames) ???: Are you the one they call… Classy? Classy: Not sure I want to answer that one… ???: I… am the Grim Reaper. Classy: Well if you were the Tooth Fairy, I’d have some questions! And why do you look like me under that mask?! Grimm: I do this when facing everyone I meet… It is to reassure those I come across. Classy: I don’t feel reassured.
Grim: Yes, I get that a lot- Grimm: But now is not the time to talk of that!… I know you, Classy… Classy: I’m sorry to inturrupt, Mr Grim Reaper but, I am on a very tight schedule today, and DYING WAS NOT PART OF IT!! Grimm: Oh no, I’m not here to take you.
Classy: Oh, well that’s alright then. (…) Not it bloody hell isn’t, why the hell are you here then?! Grimm: I am here because you are one who refutes love… And I have come to show you the error of your ways… Classy: Wait, you’ve come to show me? I thought it was a baby with a bow n’ arrow that took care of it? Grimm: Yes, Cupid… He is on holiday right now, and I owed him a favour. So I’m filling in for him. Classy: So he took his holiday on the only month he works… That’s either brilliant or stupid. So anyway, how we gonna do this? You gonna, hack me with a love scythe or something? Grim: No, I was thinking something like this. (Snaps Fingers) (Magic oooooooh!) (Void) Classy: Where am I?! Grimm: You are in your own subconscious. Or rather, your spirit is. Classy: Then where’s my body? (…) Grimm: Huh… Never thought of that before… Classy: (Braindead) Classy: What are you planning on showing me here?! Grimm: I plan on showing you what happens… When you don’t have life in your life… You see… Love makes people stronger… Betters yourself and those around you… Humans are by nature a social animal… dominated by many powerful feelings… But none are quite as powerful as love. It is a rare feeling that can grow infinitely… and turn the coldest of hearts into one that radiates pure light… Classy: Were you given a script for this? Grimm: *Reading off script*
And it is because of those feelings tha- Ok, y’know what?! Screw it! I’ll do things my way! *Snaps Fingers* Loud noise* Classy: What are you doing? Grimm: I’m going to show you the opposite feeling of love. One just as strong that will show you the error of your ways… Fear… Classy: What’s behind that door? Grimm: Why, only your greatest fears of course. Naturally, to not litterally scare you to death I only chose the ones from your favorite pass time… But I do believe they will suffice to get the point across… Now… are you ready to face them? Classy: I feel like I don’t have a say in this.
Grim: Correct. *Snaps Fingers* (Number 10) (…) Grimm: Are you sure you want to start with that? *Pikachu Cry* Classy: They’re frikkin’ scary! Classy: I’ve said it once! And I’ll say it again! Pokémon, are flipping scary! They may look cute… Well, most of them anyway. But nethertheless, they are frikkin’ terrifying! Razor sharp talons! Jaws the size of Jaws! Intelligence greater than supercomputers! And control over the elements! Not even things as innocent as chickens or mice are safe! That’s how bad it is! Now if already design wise, most Pokémon weren’t absolutely terrifying to you! There’s a nice little place where we can discover all sorts of info about these… “cute”.. creatures… Classy: Let’s turn to the Pokédex, shall we? Grimm, if you please. Grimm: Oh, very well!… AHEM! Grimm: Buried beneath the castle are masses of dried-up bones from those whose vitality it has drained. Forests where Shiinotic live are treacherous to enter at night. People confused by its strange lights can never find their way home again. Grimm: …And afterwards they?
Classy: Actually, we don’t know what happens to them, but I’m guessing it’s not for tea and biscuits. Grimm: It is whispered that any child who mistakes Driflook for a balloon and holds onto it could wind up missing. Classy: Why do so many Pokémon kidnap children, what the hell?! Classy: And if you think it’s just the newer generations creeping things up, think again! Grimm: Once it appears, it goes on a rampage. It remains enraged until it demolishes everything around it. To steal the life of its target, it slips into its prey’s shadow and silently waits for an opportunity. When it is very hungry, it puts humans it meets to sleep, then it feasts on their dreams. Classy: And that’s TAME for Hypno! Thankfully my favorite Pokémon Phantump, isn’t at all like that! That little bugger’s adorable! Grimm: According to old tales, the Pokémon are stumps possessed by the spirits of children who have died while lost in the forest. (…) Classy: I give up. (Number 9) Classy: The Devil has many faces… The dragon… *Roar* The ram… *Screech* The Beast… *Growls* And a small chinese woman wearing an eskimo suit… Grimm: I could show this guy a basket of kittens and he’d still be scared. Classy: Oh no. This is no prank, this is no mistake. What you see before you is easily one of the scariest beings in Overwatch: Mei-Ling Zhou. Mei: Hiya! Classy: Packed with an ice gun, a small robot and a smile on her face- -this harbinger of death lays her wrath upon all those, who come across her destructive path. Restless spirits, brought back from the dead through advanced and illegal medical procedures? Sent back to hell, as it freezes over. A 7ft tall crusader packed with an armor and shield that even an army of highly advanced robots couldn’t dent? That’s nothing to a little Asian lady and her ice gun. State-of-the-art androids, super soldiers, elite snipers, cyborg ninjas, all-powerful mechs, A mutated monkey! EVEN AUSTRALIANS!! All fall! In front of the might of Mei-Ling Zhou! Headshot, headshot, headshot! A robot that freezes everyone, indomitable walls, an impenetrable caracass that HEALS THE DEMON! Rince and repeat so all fall at the might of Mei… *Ultimate Echo* Y’know… after facing her… Global Warming doesn’t sound so bad… (Number 8) Warning: The next segment contains and extremem amount of blood, gore and violence. It is recommended of minors and people not fond of these topics to skip to the next segment, and for responsable parents to lock said minors in the cupboard until it is over. You have been warned. And now, it is time for some MORTAL KOMBAT! (Epic Music is Epic) Classy: The most brutal! The Most vicious! The bloodiest franchise of them all! Mortal Kombat is a game that gets my blood going, and at the same time sends shivers down my spine! Uh.. No pun intended. And can you really blame me?! This game is horrifying! Super Soldiers, Sorcerers, Ninjas, Zombies, Gods, Monsters, Whatever the hell Baraka is! Robot Ninjas! Triborg: The Cyber Black Dragon. Kano: And who are you then? Triborg: Your plans’ demise. Grimm: Ok, that is the coolest thing I have ever seen! (Fatality) (Blink. Blink, Blink) Grimm: Ok, that is the stupidest thing I have ever seen! Classy: So between fighters who can tear you in half, slice you open, smash you into the ground, cave your head in, blow your head up… Spit fire onto you, impale you on spikes, pull your insides out, pull you apart, crush you into paste, pertify you and take a selfie with your corpse! Which one makes the list! I think the shorter answer is who DOESN’T make the list! Seriously… THEY ARE ALL TERRIFYING!! Whether humans, gods, or human blenders! I want them at at least a dimension away from me! Maybe even two! They show no remorse in killing, maiming, and just straight up destroying you and making you suffer all the way! In fact, I think they enjoy it. When you live in a world, where a movie star can shove his hands in your back- -tear you open with his brute strength, and make a SHINING reference while they’re at it! You’re not gonna live past 30! Good guys… Bad guys… Hard to tell with all this blood. (Number 7) Classy: If you thought there wouldn’t be anymore Nintendo games on here, then I have one thing to say to you. (Phoenix Wright Music)
Classy: OBJECTION!! (…) It’s my subconscious. I can do what I want. Phoenix Wright is a franchise that may look cute, fun and on the more jokey side at first. Especially with the design of some of these characters. But if you’ve played any game of the franchise, you know it can get pretty dark! Kidnapping, betrayals, Plots, Corruption, and of course, Murder! Murder, Murder, Murder, Murder She Wrote! A stabbing here, an execution there, an assassination from a hit man, there’s a wide variety when it comes to death But this has also created some beautiful narratives, incredible twists and turns, and some pretty insane characters- both in a goofy way, and a “Please don’t murder me way.” And for those who have played the third game, Trials and Tribulations!.. You probably figured out who’s on this list… (Dahlia Hawthorne Theme) I wish I was joking. Again! Not a mistake! What you see before you may look like a sweet angel descended from the heavens above! But dig a little bit and you’ll find a demon so bad the Devil himself probably chucked her out from hell! Dahlia Hawthorne is definitely one of the evilist, and most terrifying characters in the entire franchise! Dahlia uses her sweet, innocent facade to wrap anyone she wants around her little finger. Phoenix Wright, The Judge, even Edgeworth falls for this! And once she has them, she uses them like puppets to concoct her perfect schemes, and then throws them away like used tissue paper when she has no more use for them. Let’s go over a few things she’s done, shall we? 1. It all started when she seduced her tutor to fake her kidnapping with Valerie, Dahlia’s sister. After which she double-crossed him, faked her own death, and had the man convicted. Oh by the way, she was 14 when she planned that. Most kids that age can’t even plan a trip to the cinema. After which she: 2. Murdered her sister to tie up loose ends AND place the blame once again on the tutor. 3. Caused Terry to commit suicide on stand after showing off her true colours. 4. Poisoned a defense attorney who was on her tail. 5. Used her twin sister to seduce a young Phoenix Wright with an important piece of evidence- -pretending to be her because Dahlia can’t simulate the SIMPLEST OF HUMAN EMOTIO- 6. Killed her ex boyfriend when he was on her tail. 7.And tried to frame Phoenix Wright for the murder of her ex. Luckily though, Mia was on the case and managed to save Phoenix and convict Dahlia… Now let’s see what she did AFTER her death! 8. Plotted with Morgan Fey in prison against Maya, Mia’s younger sister. 9. Tried to possess the body of a 6 year old girl in an attempt to kill Maya. 10. When that failed, she tried to possess someone ELSE to try and kill Maya! 11. And finally pose as her twin sister to try and get Maya convicted for the murder of her own mother. And that was all before she was even 20. Dahlia is without a doubt, the most destructive force in the Phoenix Wright franchise! The number of deaths provoked by this one lady’s lust for revenge- -Is unparalleled with even the most wicked of other criminals like Redd White, Matt Engarde or Von Karma! For me, she is right up there with the likes of the Joker, Hannibal Lector, Judge Claude Frollo, And Normal Bates as a monster in human form that even DEATH can’t keep on a leash! She… Is… Terrifying… Although this did confirm that the Phoenix Wright universe DOES have the death penalty! Which probably means that every person you’ve convicted up until now has been hanged. (Realizes) ACRO!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! (Number 6) Ok, NOW we’re getting to the big bads that were MEANT to be scary! And to start us off, we have Bioshock. Now I started off my journey into the Bioshock franchise with Infinite- which i notice is gathered quite the bit of hate recently, and have ABSOLUTELY no clue why. I love the world of Columbia! It was beautful to explore, the gameplay was so fun, and Elizabeth is a precious little cinnamon roll that needs to be protected. Then I played the original game, and I have to say they’re… (…) Different. I don’t exactly know why I was expecting anything bright and colourful in Rapture- when the entire game takes place under the sea. (Under the Sea)
Classy: Yes, yes I made that joke already. Honestly, I got a lot more horror game vibes from Bioshock than I intended or wanted to get! Between the dark, tight and flooding corridors, horrifying enemies attacking left and right, robots out to kill you where you stand… And of course… (Daddy’s comin’ for ya) Going into this game, I knew the Big Daddies were going to be scary! I mean, having a drill for an arm to turn your victims insides into a strawberry smoothie… Doesn’t exactly sound inviting… But just how scary?… I think I underestimated that… Bucketloads of health, much faster than they have any right to be, and having the power to put out some massive damage! When you engage in a fight with a Big Daddy, you better have stocked up on your ammunition cause you’re gonna need ALL of it! And these bastards can show up at any time! The only indication you have on Big Daddies is how many there are in a section of Rapture. But you have no idea WHERE they are! They can just show up anytime, any place, anywhere! And that’s always fun! It doesn’t help that they are always accompanied by corrupt little girls that just CHEER them on! Little Sister: I’m ready for dream time, Mr. B!
Classy: Ahhhh, that’s so creepy! Though it could be worse. Imagine if Dahlia had a Big Daddy when she was a kid. (War. War everywhere) Actually, let’s not do that. (Number 5) Shadow Hearts: From the New World is a fascinating little game. It came out on the PS2 and went under the radar despite being a solid, if not weird RPG. But then again… Japan… What were you expecting? I think this is the only party in existence that consists of: A teenage detective, 2 Native Americans, A God Awful Ninja- A talking cat, An alian vampire… And a Mariachi. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Japan is weeeeeeird! And the monsters aren’t any better! They range from incredibly silly like Bruce Meow and an 8 year old pirate captain! To others that are absolutely nightmare-inducing like this! (Lil’ GirlScream)
Classy: And this! (Girl Scream)
Classy: And this. (Man Scream)
Classy: And this! (Woman scream) And how could we forget… (Build-up creepy music) (…) Seriously! What is it with kids being so goddamn CREEPY in videogames?! Especially babies, they’re just evil! Maybe Drifloom’s actually doing us a solid. Tamaris is one of the final bosses in Shadow Hearts and was the one that actually made me want to stop playing, it creeped me out so much! Look at this thing! Where does it start? Where does it end? WHY IS IT HERE?! It’s a baby… fused with another baby… With his body bent at a 90° angle… and the second baby’s head… is the size of a car… I don’t know who came up with that!… But I want a restraining order against them. It’s description also reads that it gives off a foul pestilent air that is enough to end the lives of any unfortunate, sensitive souls who happen to breathe it in. Grimm: That sounds like another one of those Pokédex entries. Classy: The fact I can’t deny that hurts inside. And as if to parallel the nightmares you’ll get from this thing, fighting it is a pain in the arse as well! Between massive area attacks, multiple shields, the ability to induce panic -Yeah, that one was spot on!- And the ability to banish a member of your party from the battle! This thing is annoying on top of being creepy! Shadow Hearts is a weird game. A really, really… REALLy weird game. (Clap)
Japan… Please stay away from babies. (Number 4) Let’s talk about one of my favorite franchises of all time! Monster Hunter! I have been one of the lucky OG fans of Monster Hunter, ever since it’s first installment on the PS2. It is one of those franchises that, in my opinion, has never put out a bad game. The combat is tight, the quest and landscapes are epic and, of course, the monsters are AWESOME! Now it was REALLY hard to pick just one of these terrifying creatures to go with! Do I go with the Rathalos, the OG king of the jungle? The Tigrex, a being of anger incarnate? The Nargacuga, The silent killer of the night? The Lagiacrus, Gore Magala, Giganox, Lunastra, Akantor, Gypceros, Kelbi, Congalala?! (…) No… After looking at it for long enough, there was only one REAL candidate for this list. The demon of the Jungle: The Deviljho. (Rarw) Ok, so, first things first: it has the word DEVIL in it’s name! DEVIL!! That should be like… 15 red flags going off in your brain right now! This beast just SCREAMS ferocious! It’s constant drooling, it’s spiked covored tail, it’s humongous jaw! This thing eats… and eats… and eats… Nothing is its predator! Everything is its prey! Most monsters usually specialize in certain areas. Either they are small and fast, or gigantic and slow. Either they hit hard, but have weak defenses, or don’t hit as hard but have a tough hide. Then the Deviljho comes along and says “Hey! How about I just take all that good stuff?!” This thing hits like a truck while going as fast as a bullet! It is the perfect blend of speed and power that will leave most hunters devastated in the first 3 minutes of the hunt! If you don’t time your dodges perfectly, know exactly the opportune moment to strike, you will be sent flying away with your HP bar crashlanding into 0! It’s kind of like the Mike Tyson of the Monster Hunter world! Another way its like Mike Tyson is that this thing can get angry. Very… VERY… angry. When it is enraged, it’s already incredible speed and damage are DOUBLED! That’s fun! I had never seen a creature so aptly put the MONSTER in Monster Hunter! I hate it. Love to hate it, yes!.. But still hate it. (Number 3) You know… Something I’ve noticed is that it’s not the dark gritty games like Dark Souls- -the epic adventures like Elder Scrolls, or the futuristic warzones like Mass Effect that have the scariest enemies! It’s usually the kid friendly games that have them. I dunno, maybe it’s to scar us at a younger age. If they’re gonna be traumatized for life, better make it early! And in 2017 we have a new contender that will be sure to traumatize children and adults alike!- -For years to come with Gears of Breakfasts’ very own: A Hat in Time. For those who have been living with Patrick Star for the last 5 years- -A Hat in Time is a new 3D indie platformer that was fully funded through Kickstarter. It’s sort of like a love letter to people who grew up with the 3D platformers of the 90’s. It’s bright, colourful and filled to the brim with cheeky humour! And then you get to the third world! And you come across… Her. (BWAAAAAAAA!) (Angel Music) Where am I? God: You… Are in Heaven, my child… Classy: I knew this thing would do me in! Grimm: Get back here… (Goofy Scream) Classy: Now Subcon Valley already is not a very friendly place. Haunted swamps, explosive cherries, possessed Toilets and Yungtown-I MEAN SNATCHER! The place doesn’t exactly scream “Fun for the Whole Family.” But Queen Vanessa puts ALL of that to shame! Having to sneak around her manor is legitimately one of the most stressful and terrifying experiences I have ever felt in a video game… Horror games included! When she is on your screen you have two choices: Hide or Run! Doesn’t help that everytime she appears on screen, the game gets possessed by the Devil! I mean look at this! (BWAAAAAAAAA!) What’s the age rating for this game? E for everyone? Yeah, I think ye might be takin’ de piss there! And when she catches you she won’t just knock out Hat Kid and chuck her outside like other villains, nonono… She grabs Hat Kid, lifts her up into the air and turns her into ice as she struggles to break free in vain! Hmmm… Delightful… And of course she has her own creepy backstory about how she was a psychopathic princess- -who wanted to marry a prince. So she locked him in her dungeon to keep him there forever! You know! Your average fairy tale! (Number 2) (Inhales) Ok! So… Now that the craze has calmed down… On BOTH sides!… Let’s talk rationally… about Undertale. (Braces) Grimm: What are you doing? Classy: Bracing myself for an attack on both sides. Grimm: We’re inside your own head, how could they reach you? Who are you even talking about? (…) Classy: Oh yeah! Well then, guess I’m free to talk about this thi- (War.) Grimm: THIS MAKES NO SENSE! Classy: Undertale! Not even going to bother explaining what this is, you already know everything about it either by choice or by force. You know the characters, you know the story, the twists and turns, the different routes you know it all! You know the Genocide, you know the Pacifist, and you know the Neutral Route. And while it may be considered the “least interesting route to take”, it’s that one that we’re going to have a look at today. In particular, we’re going to talk about… Flowey. Oh, no not this version! The Evovled form! A bit like Pokémon! Only, instead of an elemental stone it’s 6 souls from deceased children that when combined together can grant you the power of a god… So there’s that. At the end of the game, this flower is able to get his grubby little… uh.. petals- -on those 6 souls and absorb them, allowing him to transform this world into a blank canvas for his own twisted desires. And when you try to stand up to him… This happens. (Flowey music) (Laugh) Grimm: Ok, that looks like something I would come up with. Do I need to add anything? No, seriously. (^) TO THIS! I think the mutant plant monster Tv Hybrid on your screen! Is all the info you need! In a game where your main enemies were frogs, planes and goofy skeletons! THIS! Just comes out of nowhere to give you a goddamn heart attack! The first time playing Undertale, I litterally had to pause after my first death to understand what the hell was going on! And I say after my first death, because you have no time to think as it happens! Omega Flowey just keeps on bombarding you with attacks as the only thing you can do is try to dodge them! Venus fly-traps, finger guns, killer vines, Goddamn Nukes! (Fire in the hole!) It’s loud, hectic, confusing. Kind of fitting for this spawn of the Underworld… (Number 1) (…) Objectively… Maybe this monster isn’t as intense as it was in the past… Objectively… Maybe Omega Flowey is scarier… If someone were to play the game he was nowadays, they might find stress… But that’s about it… But personally… This thing… is my childhood nightmare… It takes very little from him to fill my heart… with absolute panic… In fact, even his theme song along could- (Dahaka) (…) (Classy Breaks) Maybe the Dahaka shouldn’t be a childhood nightmare of mine, seeing as it clearly says 18+ on the box! But my dumb little brain thought it was a good idea to try it out anyways! And in return I got lots of blood, lots of deaths, and lots of heart attacks running away from it! In this game, the prince has completely destroyed the fabric of time by using the Sands of Time too much. This has caused many Paradoxes to occur… Notably the fact that he’s still alive. So when time wants to fix itself what does it do? Send an 8ft tall goat demon to capture the prince and kill him to restore balance! This’ll be fun… Everything about the Dahaka is terrifying to me! The fact it is constantly envelopped in shadow just makes it all the more frightening. The only things you can clearly see are its two goats horns making the infinity symbol… And it’s two… piercing white eyes… The sole reason it exists is to chase down the prince… Aka: You! During the entire game, let me emphasize that: THE ENTIRE GAME!! You are always fearing that this thing shows up out of nowhere to chase you down! It never stops, it never halts. It can’t be killed, or even hurt. You can’t hide. All you can do, is run. And speaking of running, the actual chase sequences are some of the scariest moments I’ve ever experienced holding a controller. When the Dahaka appears, the entire screen changes colour and the creature smashes his way towards you. Once this happens, all you can do is run. Don’t think. Don’t breathe. Just run. You need to have the reflexes of a goddamn ninja to get past these chase segments! You can’t hesitate for a second! Cause if you do, the Dahaka will be right behind you and swallow you whole. Oh and did I mention the heavy metal that plays during all this? (Heavy metal that plays during all this.) Yeah! Cause that won’t raise my blood pressure at all! I am not exaggerating when I say that the Dahaka has given me litteral nightmares as a child! I used to beg my brother to get me past these segments, because I was too scared to do it alone! Even to this day, whenever I play Warrior Within and it shows up! I swear, I get like Vietnam flashbacks from the childhood it scarred! And you want to know the best thing I learnt about this game growing up? I found out that there are 2 endings. And one of them, is going up against the Dahaka! (…) No. His fight is the cheapest, most brutal boss I have ever seen! Yes, you heard me right! Seen! Cause I am not about to go through that nooooo,nonono! Take the Empress, I don’t give a crap about her! Just leave me alone! The only thing even slightly reassuring about the Dahaka, is that it can’t cross water of any kind, seeing as its made up of the Sands of Time. (…) How much is a boat house?… The Dahaka. My litteral childhood nightmare. (Magic) (Panic) Grimm: There. Now that you have faced your fears… Do you not feel like love can fill the void?.. Take away the fear inside? Do you not feel… Better? Classy: OF COURSE I BLOODY DON’T!!! Grimm: Oh… I was never good at this sort of thing anyway. Welp! Sorry I couldn’t help. I’ll be seeing you soon, then. Classy: What’s that? Oh yeah yeah, ok see you soon I gue-What do you mean soon? (…) Grimm: I’ve said too much. Classy: Oh no you don’t, you haven’t said enough mate! You get back he-Don’t you go and vanish on me!! (Credits) (Clock ticking) (Beach sounds. Giggling) (Magic) Grimm: Hey Cupid. I tried to show that idiot your way, but he just wouldn’t take it. Cupid: Really? Even with the arrow I have ya’s? (…) Grimm: I knew I forgot something!
Cupid: Oh, goddammit Reaper…